Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in drjim's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 15th, 2007
4:47 pm	Holy Man Concerned about the health of Pope Benedict, Rome has been tapping me to take over the Papal duties if something happens to him, but I keep telling them I'm not interested. I don't look good in tall hats and am not about to take a vow of celibacy with Charliz Theron talking about getting a place together in Santa Monica. I know it's an important job, but I have to think about my own interests, spiritual or otherwise. This is a bad time for me, and I'm a lapsed Catholic anyway, whose views could more accurately be described as agnostic. Would I make a great spiritual leader to millions around the globe? Probably. But it's a moot point. I'm certainly not about to assume a highly visible and time consuming religious position at the expense of some really decent tail. I mean, come on. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
3:10 am	LJ vs MS I started this blog first, then started using Myspace for blogging because it's a more multimedia site. I can put up music, lots of pictures, etc: http://www.myspace.com/jimstiene (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
5:59 pm	TITS I caught a bunch of shit the other day for using the word Tits. Why, I don't know. You can say, Dick, Cock, Penis, Willy, Johnson, Lovestick, Weiner, Rod, Joystick, etc and no one will call you sexist. You can call someone a dick, asshole, pig, and no one will call you sexist. But use euphemisms for women and all of a sudden you are? Call someone a dick and it's just rude. Call a women a cunt, or twat, and you are looking at a law suit, end of employment, thrown out of school. You can say pig, but not bitch. Dick but not cunt. Think of all the sexist words, and you may notice how all of them apply to women. Why the double standard? Who knows. But guys like colorful language. Its how we're brought up. Somethings are obviously important like equal rights and equal pay. But what's with the sexual puritanism? And they say, but you're treating me like a sex object. Well you are. So am I . So is a cow. Or Bull. In fact, if it breathes, it is a sex object. Not JUST a sex object, but one all the same. Then they'll say - I'm not a piece of meat. Tell that to a barracuda. The body isn't a temple or shrine. It's only a vessel for the mind and spirit. Don't deify something that has no consciousness. A person with a body but no mind is a vegetable. Do you consider broccli sacred? I hope not. They are just words. Lighten up. A women can be attracted to a guy's body, a guy can be attracted to a guy. A woman can be attracted to a woman. And this is called normal and healthy. But god forbid guys have a natural attraction to womens body and we're made to feel ashamed. like sexists or perverts. Like it's unatural. That's dehumanizing. No one would exist, in fact, nothing that breathes would exist without it. It's how we survive. Look at it another way. If 200,000 years ago, half the human population were gay, within one generation that would go down to about 5%. Why? It's a pretty extreme evolutionary disadvantage to not want to sleep with the opposite sex. But I not ashamed of being attracted to women's bodys, no matter how much name calling and bullying I have to endure for it. I'm a guy. deal with it. Then lighten up. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
2:15 pm	Power and Who Has It Conspiracy Theories - The Illuminati, Masons, etc By Jim Stiene I know a lot of the presidents were masons, but I'm not sure that means they are part or some massive plot. I mean, look at local masons. They're basically a bunch of fat, balding vinyl siding contractors who have pig roasts with their friends and dress in costumes on weekends. Secret society? The Knights of Columbus are probably a secret society, that doesn't mean they're plotting world domination. Why not the Shriner's? Or Elk's Club? Hell, don't the Boy Scouts have secret handshakes? Maybe they're plotting world domination. I'm not saying there aren't conpiracies. I just think power is spread far and wide. There are many types of power. Banking, political, military, media, there are activist groups representing millions of members any politician has to avoid offending, there are competing business interests between nations, companies, etc. There is the power of personal influence celebrities have. For example, nothing I ever say will be heard by a millionth the number of people something J-Lo or Oprah says. Just being known is power. So when someone says the masons or illuminati are controlling everything, I have to wonder. Even when massive military contracts go out, some airplane maker is in and someone else is out. McDonald Douglas gets a 100 billion dollar contract, but Boeing loses it. And the good thing is, all these competing interests mean power is not in one place, which is how it should be. Compare that to the Soviet Union, or Nazi Germany, in which power was very much under very limited control and worked outward like a pyramid. It was heiarchal the way it was under monarchies, but it is not in a free market democracy. It is anarchro capitalism. Basically what we have now. In a free society, Bill Gates and Oprah have their own kind of power. I would tend to think banking, international finance would be the most likely to pull strings, but the media can make or break anyone. A person or company. The law can arrest anyone. The people can remove anyone from office. And it all goes round and round with everyone thinking everyone else has too much power. Just be thankful we don't live under Hitler or Stalin. That is absolute power. And that should be crushed wherever we find it. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
11:08 am	Driving Five-O I got pulled over the other night. I did what I usually do when there's something I don't want to hear, but it didnt seem to work. Apparently putting your hands over your ears and singing loudly will make a cop pull out his firearm and call for backup. Maybe that's something they teach in the police academy. How to defend yourself against loud singing. (Comment on this)
11:06 am	Public Apearance I went on "The View" again yesterday and performed "Handjobs and Calluses." Barbara Walters said something about getting stuck on a doorknob, but I wasn't really listening. That woman should get a speech therapist. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 3rd, 2006
8:22 pm	Reality TV I've been trying to pitch a new show to the networks. It's kind of a combination of American Idol, Rock Star and When Animals Attack. Basically, you get the contestants and stars of American Idol and Rock Star, then let a bunch of wild animals loose in the studio. I think you could get really good ratings to watch Simon Cowell or INXS torn to shreds by alligators. God knows, I'd watch. Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
4:43 pm	National Affairs The State Department's been calling again, asking me to be ambassador to Lithuania. I told them no for the umpteenth time. The Lithanians are a bad lot. Mostly crossdressing cannibals. And I'm supposed to represent America to people like that? I don't think so. Try again. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
3:28 pm	Mad Cow This culture is really starting to breed a nation of cry babies. It's like Mad Cow disease. People want good burgers but they don't want the degenerative brain disease that goes with it. Boo hoo. When I was a kid all we has was Bovine Spongiform and we were grateful to get that. If you don't like the spongiform, just scrape it off your plate. Or ask the waitress to put in on the side. They're not idiots. They get paid in tips. Mad cow disease, mad cow disease. Grow up already. Do you really think McDonalds and Burger King would have any customers left if it weren't for massive brain damage? Like's it's some big coincidence? Come off it. (Comment on this)
3:26 pm	Movies I submitted a script for 'Cocoon 3', but got rejected, with the producers saying it contained too much sex and violence. But I hardly think it contained gratuitous violence by today's standards. In my version, 'Coccon 3 - Harsh Twilight', the former residents return from space to the nursing home to even some scores, and dole out a little street justice, geriatric style. But the studio questioned the plausibillity of Jean Stapleton and Don Ameche stalking orderlies with butcher knives and AK 47s, though I pointed out that just because people are old doesn't mean they aren't merciless, given a good enough reason. Which is provided early on in the script in a flashback which has an orderly raping Jessica Tandy, saying he's going to make her like it, followed by a scene with her whispering his name softly, adding complexity to the relationships, but ultimately setting up the need for bloodshed and the resulting carnage when they return from space and ultimately go ape shit on the nursing home staff. And I don't think a Soft Core/Action movie version of Cocoon strays far from the original, which was really nothing more than Ron Howard's excuse to get Jessica Tandy in a bathing suit. So lets not pretend the original was any less purille or titilating. Of course a lot of the original cast have passed away, but I'm sure they could have found suitable replacements, though it's hard to imagine anything better than Jessica Tandy opening up a can of whup ass and delivering some retribution old skool, with a blow torch and a tire iron screaming, "HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS FUCKHEAD!!!". (Comment on this)
3:25 pm	Health I was just talking with my uncle Eugene. He spent most of his life as a family doctor, but never really developed a successful practice. Some said it was because of his bedside manner. The fact is, is not many people are comfortable with a doctor who answers every question with, "Hell if I know", "Beats me," or "Your guess is as good as mine", their thinking being that his guess should be more accurate, having attended medical school and wearing one of those stethescopes around his neck. At least I still get me free samples of Xanex and Colace, though I could never get him to tell me what they are for. (Comment on this)
3:25 pm	Work I quit my job as a hostage negotiator. After a while you get tired of talking to homocidal maniacs. They have no ambition and smell bad as well. I just don't need that kind of negativity in my life right now. And they make it almost impossible to get a word in edgewise. "Give me a helocopter and the latest issue of People Magazine or this Bed, Bath and Beyond is toast." What about my problems? I don't even have a helicopter. What are they bitching about? Jim Carrey has been stealing their dental floss. Their mother-in-law keeps bringing them articles she clipped from Guns and Ammo. Yada, yada, yada. It gets old real fast. Hide the dental floss and take up quail hunting so you wil have something to talk about. Everything has a solution. But not to these malcontents. Give me 12 million dollars or the Tricky Tray is going up in flames. But they have the stupidest looking explosives on them, that looks like they came out of a Roadrunner cartoon. What kind of fool do they take me for, anyway. One thing I've noticed is they don't like being laughed at. They have almost no sense of humor. Like I said, who needs all that negativity? (Comment on this)
3:24 pm	National Security I see some Arab company is going to be running port security in the northeast. What, was Charles Manson busy? Why don't they ask Kim Jong? Or get Bin Laden to run security. Better yet, why not ask him to run security in a nuclear weapons facility? That would really help me sleep at night. I was just telling someone we really don't have enough religious fanatics running security in this country. We should get some in the Center for Disease Control. Then we can whip up a up a big batch of the Ebola virus with a big sticker that says, "DON'T OPEN THIS CONTAINER!" Thank god I live 2 hours from a coast. It's not even like no one is flying the plane. It's like we're recruiting pilots from a mental facility and doing experimenting on them with hallucinogenic drugs, before giving them the keys to a 747 carying anthrax, nepalm and old Tampax. Jesus fucking Christ. (Comment on this)
3:23 pm	Work I'm in between programing assignments so I've been working as a hostage negotiator. I haven't had much luck so far, though. I'm 0 for 5, but I'm optimistic. You just have to know how to talk to these people before they open fire. Otherwise, it's been going pretty well. (Comment on this)
3:23 pm	Religion What's up with Kim Jong Ill? Too much caffeine? He seems a little tightly wound. I mean, what's the deal with these mass murdering, raving lunatic dictators anyway? Did someone steal their lunch money or something? Then you got these bomb throwing religious weirdos screaming about indfidels, when they could probably kill people with body odor alone. Fuck your fatwahs, how about a bath? Cave living. It must be hell on personal hygene. All that hostility. See, this is what happens when guys go to long without getting laid, and believe me, I know. They start speaking in tongues and carrying around rocket launchers, screaming about Allah. Get a hooker, for God's sake. But take a bath first. Fuck the CIA or Homeland security, the Center For Disease Control should handle them. Get them deloused or something. Maybe a little aftershave. And westerners are supposed to have a false god? At least he bathed regularly. (Comment on this)
3:10 pm	Public Relations My manager was bugging me to do some benefit for dying children the other day. It had something to do with cancer or emphezema. Something like that. I can't really remember because I got some food stuck in my teeth. Eventually I just said, "I'm trying to eat a sandwich here." Jesus. Some people can be so insensitive. And I started thinking about the whole charity thing anyway. Would it hurt my image to be seen with sick children? Or would it help attract even more poontang? What do you do when faced with choices like that? It's brutal. I guess it comes down to a matter of priorities. So many people drift through life without ever really finding a center. A purpose. Something meaningfull to fill their life, days, existence. Oh well. I can't be everything to everyone. All I can do is try. I guess sometimes it hurts a little, though. Maybe I'm too sensitive. (Comment on this)
3:09 pm	Merchandising I was telling someone about my record sales and action figure the other day, but he didn't seem as interested as he might have been. Not that I'm psychic or anything, but as you get older, you learn to infer certain things from a person's tone of voice or facial expressions. Plus, what I could glean from comments he made, like, "Whoopty fucking do." I guess I can't expect everyone to be interested in my action figure. (Comment on this)
3:08 pm	Dating Tips I'm thinking of writing a book on how to pick up women, since I'm such an expert on the subject. Most people think you have to look like George Clooney to score with the ladies, but the truth is, all you need is the ability to communicate well. Women really appreciate a good conversationalist. And in my experience nothing will get a woman out of her panties faster than someone who can carry on a conversation about home repair or auto maintenance. Jesus, sometimes I'll even bring my receipts from Strauss Auto so I can go through my car's maintenance history line by line. It's a great opening subject for a first date, if you want a woman hanging on your every word. And nothing does that like a heated discussion on the best motor oil or air filter to use. Christ. It's almost as exciting as waiting to get your tires changed. Man. I'm talking about the ultimate aphrodesiac. But nothing can compare to a steamy discussion on home repair. The times I've held women enthralled with tales of drywall or calking. It works every time when you're trying to keep a girl riveted to her seat. Plumbing supplies, carpet installation, heating and air conditioning repair. There's nothing that fascinates them more, outside of professional wrestling and NASCAR. But it's all good. You just have to do your research so you can carry on an intelligent conversation about the things they're interested in, like spackling and turtle wax. But who knows. Maybe I shouldn't be giving away my secrets. (Comment on this)
3:07 pm	Home Decor I got yelled at the other day for asking if someone was a housewife? "I'm not married to my house! I'm a homemaker!" "How many houses have you made? I'm thinking of having an addition put on mine and was wondering what it would cost." A homemaker. And Martha Stewart wasn't really in prison, she was 'Living in a gated community.' (Comment on this)
3:07 pm	Job Interviews I tried to get a job as a kick boxing instructor at the local health spa, but it was pretty obvious they discriminate against out of shape smokers, even though they had no job for kick boxing and I don't actually know anything about kick boxing. I knew the fix was in the second I walked in the manager's office and he said, "You can't smoke in here." Yea, right. I know what time it is. What kind of idiot do they take me for? (Comment on this)